She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
