the condom got lost in my hair
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
