Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
