You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
