When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
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