my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
