Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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