Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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