went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
