Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Randomize
