I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
