So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
