i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
