My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
