I didn't shave. On purpose
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
