I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
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Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
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Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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