you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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