Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
