Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Never let your siblings swipe right.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
