I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
