So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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