My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
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We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
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Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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