god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Pants are for mortals
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
