apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
