my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
