I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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