sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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