would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
