You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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