dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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