I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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