mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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