Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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