If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
did i walk over a car last night?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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