You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Randomize
