Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my mouth tastes like poor choices
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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