So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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