Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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