4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
we made out on top of his cat.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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