Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
