im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
