I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
