if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
