I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
