You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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