I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
