So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Houston, we have a squirter
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Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
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i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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