Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
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Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
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lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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