im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Hippo gnu deer
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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