she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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