So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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