then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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