I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
you had me at cake vodka
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
