you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
