Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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