I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
