You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
