she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
